I’m not usually one to rag on Valentine’s Day. I mean, single or not, come February 15th, all Valentine’s Day chocolates go on sale and, really, isn’t that a happy day for us all? But I do understand the stress and the hate-bombs about this so-called holiday. Either way, we’re being set up to fail.
When you’re in a relationship, you have to shovel out a butt-load of money (just after settling your Christmas debt) to prove to your significant other that you love them, and if you don’t come up with something fantastic and monumental to prove your love on this day, you’re in the doghouse.
And it’s even worse when you’re single.
Even if you’re okay with the fact that you are single, even if it’s a choice you prefer to make every day of your life, Valentine’s Day has a way of making you feel like total shit about it. Like you are somehow less of a person if you don’t have anyone to spend this “special” day with. Valentine’s Day is like the popular girl coming over to your house to personally tell you “you’re are a fugly, toad-spotted pignut and nobody loves you. You will probably die alone.” Cool.
So in honour of this humiliating holiday, here’s a compilation of some of the pitfalls that come with being single:
WHEN VALENTINE’S DAY ROLLS AROUND AND YOU’RE REMINDED THAT YOU’RE SINGLE
GOING OUT ON A DISASTROUS FIRST DATE AFTER MONTHS OF HIBERNATING
WHEN A GUY HITS ON YOU AT THE BAR AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED
WHEN YOU DON’T GET HIT ON AT THE BAR
WHEN I THINK A CUTE GUY IS CHECKING ME OUT, BUT HE’S REALLY LOOKING AT THE GIRL BEHIND ME
WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ASK TO SET YOU UP
and then realizing no one has asked you out in months
TRYING TO ACT CASUAL WHEN YOU RUN INTO YOUR EX IN PUBLIC
WAITING FOR YOUR CRUSH TO TEXT YOU BACK
TRYING TO HIDE YOUR FLAWS FROM A NEW BEAU
MEETING A GUY YOU THINK IS AMAZING, BUT WHO RUINS IT BY SAYING 20 DOUCHY THINGS IN ONE SENTENCE
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME I’M BEING TOO PICKY
HANGING OUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND HER BOYFRIEND
SEEING COUPLES UNNECESSARILY POST ROMANTIC CRAP ON EACH OTHER’S TIMELINE
WHEN YET ANOTHER COUPLE CHANGES THEIR STATUS TO “ENGAGED” ON FACEBOOK
WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I’M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP
WHEN YOU’RE SO TIRED OF PEOPLE ASKING ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE THAT YOU MAKE SOMEONE UP JUST TO MAKE THEM STOP
SHOWING UP TO COUPLES’ EVENTS ALONE
WHEN PEOPLE ARE OPENLY PITYING YOU AND YOU TRY TO PLAY IT OFF
WHEN THE RADIO DECIDES TO PLAY EVERY LOVE SONG KNOWN TO MAN
WHEN YOUR EX/CRUSH/HOOKUP GETS A NEW GIRLFRIEND
WHEN EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND THEIR GRANDMA IS GETTING LAID, EXCEPT YOU
WHEN YOUR FRIENDS CATCH YOU HOOKING UP WITH YOUR EX
WOMEN IN RELATIONSHIPS ASSUMING YOU’RE JEALOUS OF THEM
Yeah. Valetine’s Day is a blast when you’re single.
But before you go photoshopping your life with better decisions and Abercrombie and Fitch models, let us remember that this is, in fact, just one day. For the rest of the year, being single is actually pretty awesome. It’s MAJESTIC in fact. There are so many superdelicly rad things that come with being single, being independent, being your own person. If it’s a big enough deal for Queen B to write a song about, it’s a pretty big deal. Seriously. We are living the dream, ladies! And here’s why:
NO ONE QUESTIONS YOUR FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER GUYS
YOU CAN EAT AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU WANT WITHOUT BEING JUDGED
THE ONLY PERSON YOU NEED TO SPEND MONEY ON IS YOU
YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT BINGE-WATCHING AN ENTIRE SHOW ON NETFLIX IN FEAR THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL FALL BEHIND AND GET PISSED
YOU CAN WEAR SWEATPANTS EVERY DAY AND NO ONE CARES
YOU DON’T HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CREEPY FRIENDS
YOU HAVE MORE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR OWN CREEPY FRIENDS
YOU CAN FLIRT WITH ANYONE YOU WANT WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE TOO MANY SHOTS AND GO SKINNY-DIPPING WITH YOUR NEIGHBOURS, THAT’S YOUR CALL
EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW YOU’RE CRAZY, IT SHOWS UP LESS WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE
“I NEED TO SHAVE ME LEGS” SAID NO SINGLE WOMAN EVER
YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN SIMPLE THINGS TO A BEAU WHO WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
YOU DON’T GET UNNECESSARILY JEALOUS OF SOME AVERAGE-LOOKING GIRL FOR EXISTING
NO ONE EATS YOUR GROCERIES BUT YOU
ALL OF THE BLANKETS ARE YOURS AND YOURS ALONE
BOYFRIENDS GET MAD WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEIR PENIS. NOT-BOYFRIENDS JUST DON’T FIND OUT.
YOU CAN TAKE OFF AND TRAVEL THE WORLD ON A WHIM
YOU GET TO BE SELFISH
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT
AND WHEN THINGS START TO GET REALLY GRIM: RABBIT HABIT
Happy Singles Awareness Day to one and all! Put on those sweats, grab all of the gummy bears and Lindt chocolates you can carry, hop into bed with every blanket you own and start up the Netflix. This is your day; get it girl!